New low: just hacked my moms facebook
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Randomize
