true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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