i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
