just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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