What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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