I need help removing her.
I cannot find my penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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