Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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