Someone shit on the floor
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
