dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
