The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My ATM looks so different sober.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
