saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
