I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is it because I queefed?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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