seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
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I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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