i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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