I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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