the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
