i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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