I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
