How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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