How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
