oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
