I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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