It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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