I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
