I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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