tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
