I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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