did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he thought i was a dude.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
