Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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