she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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