is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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