My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
