I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
