When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
