happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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