I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
