i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
that's an acceptable place to lick
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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