the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
