She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
