why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
