Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
