just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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