Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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