I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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