My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
