My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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