Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
These tits shall not be calmed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
