There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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