6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
