If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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