the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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