I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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