around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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